I found peace.
Last night, I wept. Wounded by beauty, crippled by sorrow, I collapsed to the earth and wailed at the stars in anguish. I was gripped by powerful, invisible hands, bent, twisted, and ravaged by an unknowable agony and long years spent in silence.
For all my eloquence, I could not summon a single word to my aid; instead, I was forced to communicate through gasping sobs and the wavering notes my pain played upon my vocal chords; It was surreal. I felt as though I might die there, writhing in the gravel beneath the impassive moon, my best friend's hand gripping mine as though he were trying to hold me together, the sounds issuing forth from my tormented body were echoed by tears that seems they would flow forever without stopping .
Surely any moisture I had to spare was spent in those distorted moments, watering the flesh of my best friend's knee that shielded my head from the cold stones beneath it. If asked what I was weeping for, I'm sure I wouldn't have been able to say. My mind could focus on nothing in particular; it seemed as though the intensity of my emotion defied anything so limited as description or thought.
As my eyes strained to see the full moon through a prism of tragedy, I became the raw, physical manifestation of a wounded soul, the sound of unhappiness realized, the admission of despair, the sodden texture of heartbreak. And though I grieved for someone beautiful who had never truly been, for the injustices of love unreturned and for a lost soul abandoned to its fate, I could feel no regret.
In the liquid diamonds I shed, in the death-throes of my illusion, there was only honesty -- nothing left but the core of a being stripped of all its artifice. And in that suspended moment, halfway between anguish and reality, I found peace. I was floating there, my head in my best friend's lap, with my tears still submerging my eyes and fracturing my vision, there was a freedom I had never dreamed of.
I knew if only I could forget the past, the future, all the people I had loved and the people who had loved me, all the countless things I could not have and could not change, I could focus solely upon the undeniable beauty of innocence and simplicity:
The colors of a child's laughter, the patterns drawn by the bougainvillea in the wind, the chiming of glasses in a smoky bar, the thousands of random words offered up by passing strangers every minute of the day; in those things were the joy and mystery of life. I knew then, if only I could surpass the sorrow that held me fast in the temporal world, I could find my redemption and my grace. I knew that I was loved and that I as not alone. I knew that I was alive and that sorrow could never kill me.
I know now, that the past is only a story once it happens, and the future is just an idea until it is realized. Exhausted by the realization of my present state, I smiled up at the moon and was thankful for my whole incredible, beautiful, terrible, insignificant life.
- Mood:
Affection - Listening to: Evanescence
Good Bye_
Hopeless
Fear
Sadness
